Mmesoma Christophine Courtship is a period of time when intending couple gets to know each other better, which determines whether they are compatible for marriage. Intending couple can achieve more in there lives with each other if they can apply this 5 strategic codes of courtship to Maintain Healthy Relationships.
In most cases, people interchange courtship with dating. Dating and courtship are similar but different. Dating simply means the process of finding if your friend is suitable for a long-term relationship {marriage} with you.
Meanwhile, courtship is a relationship based on a formal agreement to marry each other after the man has proposed and the woman has accepted.
Marriage which is known to be a legal union of a man and a woman to become husband and wife, is a long-term commitment that involves social interaction, effective communication, and other cultural practices depending on an individual’s societal norms and preferences.
ELEMENTS OF COURTSHIP
- Family involvement
- Community insight
- Personal autonomy
FAMILY INVOLVEMENT:
Family which is said to be a group of people related by blood or by marriage plays a significant role in courtship. Before any relationship can get to the level of courtship, parents has to approve that.
In some ethnic groups, the suitor’s family visits the potential bride’s family to make their interest in the relationship formal.
Family involvement can also be in form of a gift exchange between both families as a sign of goodwill.
In this case, symbolic items like kola, and palm wine are often used depending on the cultural tradition.
COMMUNITY INSIGHT:
This is where the community elders ensure that the courtship process align with the societal norms and ensure that the courtship couple observes and respects their cultures and traditions. For example, premarital intimacy is often discouraged during courtship.
Here, the community elders make proper investigation and ask questions to ensure that the union will stand.
Once courtship is traditionally approved, other marriage activities can kick off because the land has accepted the union.
PERSONAL AUTONOMY:
This is a situation whereby individuals have freedom to choose their partners without heavy family involvement, though cultural expectations may still be considered.
This element of courtship is now rampant in our contemporary society, once the two partners seem to be in love with each other and think they can spend the rest of their lives together as husband and wife, then no one’s opinion is needed for them to decide if to get married or not.
However, social media and dating apps have gone a long way in helping people meet their potential partners.
THE FOLLOWING ARE THE 5 STRATEGIC CODES OF COURTSHIP
Table of Contents
COURTSHIP DURATION:
People unusually ask this question, for how long should courtship last? Now, the answer is that a good courtship shouldn’t be too long or too short, though there is no time frame assigned to it.
However, Relationship therapists, marriage experts, and counselors advocate that courtship should last for a minimum of six months and a maximum of two years.
However, there are some factors that can delay the process of courtship making it impossible to adhere to this recommendation.
Such factors include;
- When the Partners are not ready
- Distance Relationship
- Financial Instability
- Academics
- Health Challenges
- Delay of Parental Approval or Consent
When the couple are not ready to move the courtship to the next level, this can make the courting period to last longer than expected so as to enable the couple to be readily prepared. Because marriage is said to be a life commitment therefore one has to be properly prepared to embark on such a journey.
Distance can also be a hindering factor of courtship, cases of long-distance relationships are a very big obstacle in courtship especially when the couple are in two different locations, struggling to earn a living, thus can extend the period of courtship till it’s convenient for them to come together and get married the proper way.
Financial instability; for one to get married, most especially the men, you have to be financially and momentarily prepared so as to do the necessary marriage rites. Financial stability is essential in courtship for couples to take care of their families and their children when they start having kids.
Academics; this is common among the ladies, some ladies don’t accept marriage proposals as a student, until they are through with them.
I have conducted interview among a reasonable number of ladies, to know the reason they choose to be through with education before marriage, 80% of them answered that, to them combining family upkeep and pursuing your educational career is quite stressful, and not only that, one will be lagging behind, especially when you are doing it with little or no help.
Your educational career is usually affected, in order to reduce the stress, they choose to take it one at a time because one cannot serve two masters at the same time.
To some ladies is about personal decision and perception or for some reasons best known to them.
Health Challenges; some health challenges and illnesses can extend the period of courtship, one has to be physically, mentally, and emotionally fit to embark on the journey of marriage.
With the sense of this ideology that marriage is for better or worse, in sickness and in health.
The kind of sickness meant here is not a health-related issue.
Marriage is full of ups and downs, trials, and a lot of challenges, there are also tough times in marriage when you feel like giving up, how prepared are you to overcome such obstacles when it come your way then coupled with the fact that you are not healthy?
PURPOSE OF COURTSHIP
The true purpose of courtship is to get to know your partner more and discuss and agree on issues that will help your marital experience.
The sole aim of courtship is to observe, and pay close attention to your partner’s behavior, attitudes, temperament, and other things regarding what you want in that marriage if it’s what you bargained for.
Marriage happens to be the coming together of two different people from different backgrounds and with different ideologies, it is during courtship that you analyze each other to know if the marriage will be progress.
KNOWLEDGE OF NECESSARY INFORMATION ABOUT YOUR PARTNER:
During courtship, courting couples should have the knowledge of some necessary information about each other.
Such information is:
- Know the family of your partner
- Know where she lives
- Know the kind of job your partner
- Discuss your career plans and demands
- Discuss your spiritual lives
- Discuss your finances
- Discuss the number of children you would like to have
- Discuss how to manage extended family
- Discuss the type size, place, and funding of the wedding
- Pray often for yourselves and your future together
When your relationship gets to the level of courtship, it is advisable for couples to reveal any secret that may affect their marriage.
It is more honorable to reveal any secret that will threaten your marriage yourself than when it is heard elsewhere which might be embarrassing.
A true lover who means well for you will never mock, insult, dump, or look down on you for being honest, rather such a person will be full of compassion, admiration, protection, and respect for you.
THINGS COURTING COUPLE SHOULD DO
In courtship, couples are advised to;
- Pray together
- Communicate effectively
- Care for each other
- Support each other
- Read inspiring books and articles on relationship and marriage
- Attend relationship and marriage seminar
- Attend marriage counseling sessions with a coach
- Foster a great sense of understanding
- Build a strong friendship
- Be real to each other
- Plan for your marriage.
THINGS COURTING COUPLE SHOULD AVOID
The things courting couples should avoid are;
- Dishonesty
- Lack of communication
- Disrespect
- Unrealistic expectations
- Physical intimacy without your partner’s consent
- Comparison
- Over-dependence
- Ignorant of red flags
- Insecurity
- isolation
- Avoid pregnancy out of wedlock
- No sexually explicit charts
- No sending of nude pictures
Dishonest; in courtship, couples should be transparent about their feelings, expectations, and future plans. Avoid hiding important information about yourself, Pat, and your intentions from your partner be plain and open to them.
Lack of communication; courting couples are encouraged to maintain regular communication, that is where you express your thoughts, needs, and emotions to avoid misunderstanding.
Disrespect; respect is essential in courtship, partners should respect each other beliefs, values, and opinions, and also treat each other with kindness and love.
Unrealistic expectations; partners should understand that no one is perfect and no one knows it all, avoid expecting your partner to be perfect in meeting all your needs.
Recall that everyone has flaws and compromise is the key to a relationship
Physical intimacy without consent; courting couples are discouraged from pressuring each other into activities they are not comfortable with, it is essential you seek your partner’s consent before indulging in any form of physical intimate
Avoid comparing your partners with his or her mate, it kills relationships.
Overly independent; don’t be a liability to your partner, be contributing to each other’s well-being no how little.
It’s during the period of courtship that partners examine themselves closely and take notes of red flags and start working towards its amendment. Don’t see red flags as normal things if you are not comfortable with them, that is why communication can never be over-emphasized in any relationship because if you don’t share your problems it won’t be solved.
Insecurity; the couple should establish trust during courtship, and learn to control their jealousy.
Isolation; that you are in courtship does not mean you should isolate yourself from other people, you are courting not in jail. Make friends, and establish good relationships with people because they are the people who will support your marriage and attend your wedding.
Learning is a continuous process, courtship is a period of intensive learning, and any mistake you make. During that period has what it takes to affect your marriage if not properly managed.
